Cross Posted from my facebook

Once in a while I see a piece of spam or junk mail that makes me sit at it for a good minute and ponder just what drugs the writers of it were on when they came up with it. Usually these lists are so delusional and ideal that it hurts to actually read them. This list is no exception to the rule. The following is a piece of junk mail I've seen on a few different forums now, and I've decided to post my response to each of these almost otherworldly-lame ideals women have to 'men' (if you can even call their euncich take on my gender that)

When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her
*If I see a girl staring at my mouth, I’m gonna assume there’s shit in my teeth. There are better ways to initiate a kiss than creepy stares*

When she pushes you or hits you like a dummie cause she thinks shes stronger than you
Grab her and dont let go
*You forgot the ‘shaking’ part. I mean seriously, if a girl hits or pushes their boyfriend, how is that not domestic assault? The door swings both ways on equality, you wanna get the same pay and respect as men, better be prepared to suffer the same consequences for hitting someone*

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her
*Again, this is clear cut verbal abuse, no one in a relationship should have to put up with intimidation, regardless of gender. And just for shits and giggles, try this, try kissing a pissed off woman. Tell me how it goes if your lip isn’t too busted*

When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong
*This is one of the biggest telltale signs of paranoia out there. I mean, can’t someone be at peace for a short period of time? Does a problem need to exist in order for people to function? If a girl is quiet, it should be because she doesn’t have anything to say. If something is wrong, say it, it leads to the problem getting better. Ignoring it, makes it worse*

When she ignores you
Give her your attention
*Bullshit, she fucked up. Women need to realize that even in a relationship your existence is not needed for our lives to continue. If you ignore me, prepare to be ignored, simple as that*

When she pulls away
Pull her back
*What…last time I checked, this was considered rape*

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful
*”All I want is a guy who will love me and be honest with me”. Guess half of that is still true*

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word
*Um…no. If you’re crying, its obviously about something. Ignoring stuff doesn’t help the problem go away. If you’re crying, its either cause we fucked up, or someone else fucked up. You can cry after the problem is solved, before shit gets worse, theres a time for everything*

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
*And just what if I fell in love with a woman in wheelchair you pc-insensitive people? Again, what will this do in actuality besides scare the shit out of your girlfriend? I wouldn’t be surprised if this led to a few men being maced by their own girlfriends*

When she's scared
Protect her
*Coddling someone never helps them get over their fears, I'm sure she'll be able to kill that spider or "Fear of a wasted life" with a rolled up newspaper*

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
*So far we’ve advocated domestic abuse and rape, why not add theft to the list too?*

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh
*I like how this automatically assumes teasing her back will lead to laughter, not being hurt. While its true everyone should be able to take a joke, its rarely the case. If she teases you and you tease back, someone’s gonna get hurt. If you can both tease each other without getting pissy, why the hell are either of you reading this?*

When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay
*answer what? If I ask a question and don’t get a response, its pretty clear that things aren’t ok, so why is ignoring it gonna solve any problems? at the very least her hearing is not ok*

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up
*To a new girlfriend. If she can’t trust you, and you can’t trust her, break up, save yourself a lot of time and therapy. Feel free to send me the therapist checks though*

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand
*Lets see if the 50% of divorced couples in the world would agree with this statement*

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her's and play with her fingers
*No, I’m sorry, this is just fucking creepy*

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh
*More physical abuse? Who’da thought?*

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold
*ahahahahahaha, yeah right, when does anyone ever keep secrets, men and women both included. Unless you tell it to a hermit, it’s gonna come out*

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does
*Some people spend their time curing cancer, and fighting aids, and helping people around the world. Some people have staring contest with their girlfriends with affection on the line. Wow*

When she says it's over
she still wants you to be hers
*Lets see if the notary who notarizes the restraining order agrees with this*

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it
*Listen, if you need your relationship validated through the venue of junk mail and spam, you are in trouble*

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything
*You act like you have something better to do with your time than doing this.*

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
*You’re gonna have to do something to keep her from slugging ya*

- When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
*Run, run fast, and don’t ever look back*

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
*Who cares if she’s sleeping, there’s 1440 more well-timed minutes in the day and you’ll be goddamned if you don’t get this first one*

-Treat her like she's all that matters to you
*Air is overrated anyway*

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
*You’ll get fired for sleeping on the job the next day, but then you’ll get to spend all your time nursing her through the sniffles*

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid
*Sleep, sex, or suicide, its your call*

- Give her the world.
*Keep the receipt just in case, its not like she’ll have anywhere to put it*

- Let her wear your clothes
*If you get turned on at this idea, you might have to have a little talk*

-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
*To simulate this experience to all you single men, rent Caddyshack, then everytime you see something that makes you laugh, think of your dog dying then feel guilty*

-Let her know she's important.
*Nothing says a solid steady relationship than constant reassurance of basic feelings*

- Don't talk about other girls around her
*It’s your mom’s fault for having a birthday anyway*

- Kiss her in the pouring rain
*Just like covering your lover in honey and licking off every drop, this idea works a lot better in the movies*

- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
"Whose ass am i kicking baby?"
*If you have a monocle on while saying this, she’ll be so vag-shocked you won’t even have to do anything*


If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

Call *Ignore* you
Kiss *Ignore* you
Love *Ignore* you
Text your brother

Also, check out my blog where I answer the questions the world really cares about:
[link]